Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize