when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
