I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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