i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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