i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
