Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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