We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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