my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
