I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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