Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
