Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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