New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
