Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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