I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
