I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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