fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
