I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
