his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
time to smoke my breakfast
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
