i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my phone needs a breathalizer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
