I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
