I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
