I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
