Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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