It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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