There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
