You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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