I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
