And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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