Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
