New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
