y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
