So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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