I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
