At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
