I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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