Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
