I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
