Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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