help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize