Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
