Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
