I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
