allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
