You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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