and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
