I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
