This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
