I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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