Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
