How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
