i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
