Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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