You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
