??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
