it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
