I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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