If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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