Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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