Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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