I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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