The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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