can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
