I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
