Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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