I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
