I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize