He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
