i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
