i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
